Finding your "Fulfillment Metric"

How to choose when to write and when to live life

Here I am the last time I visited France, in 2018. The Frenchman and I used to do a road trip to a different region every autumn, right after I’d turn a book in to my publisher. We would book Airbnbs, but nothing else. No plans, no looking ahead at what was in each city. Just hitting the road!

@Asteria asked:

Balance: how do you find the line between barely writing and "I'm skipping events to write"? The latter coming from a place of feeling like there's not enough hours in the day to really sink into writing…It's stemming from times in the past where, for example, I've skipped movie nights with the family to write, or been "there" but on my laptop writing. I keep encountering this sort of balance issue at different times. Right now, with my class schedule and work, I'm struggling to write and still have a little social time in the hours between dinner/housework/etc and whenever I sleep. (Maybe I am simply overfilling my days, lol.)

Thank you for the question, Asteria, and thanks for the additional clarification of your question in the AMA comments.

I had to sit on this one for a bit because of the way you worded the question. It really gave me pause. You didn’t ask about “work-life balance” in the way previous people had; you wrote that you have “skipped events to write.”

That wording implies a conscious choice, and since I know the writing is something you care deeply about—but not something you’re yet contracted to do—then I also know you are making the choice to write based on internal factors and not external demands.

And that fact really gave me pause. Why? Because it sounds familiar. I mean, quite frankly, it sounds like me. I have always “struggled with balance” in the sense that other people think I work too much, and yet to me…it’s never enough. I would almost never stop if life didn’t actively force me to!

So my answer for you is going to boil down to one simple metric that we’re going to call the fulfillment metric.

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Okay, I know, I know. Really, Sooz? The fulfillment metric? That’s the answer you’ve got for me?

Yes. It is indeed my final answer, but allow me to explain.

I have a friend. Let’s call him Amos.¹ Amos really likes to enjoy his free time. He doesn’t work on weekends. He takes lots of vacations, if his budget will allow it. He never works after 5PM, unless he has to. He has a lot of fun hobbies and a lot of friends.

And when Amos isn’t at work, he has no trouble turning off that part of his brain.

I have another friend. Let’s call her Naomi² She constantly works after 5PM, she rarely takes a vacation, and weekends are her favorite time to get work done—other than holidays, of course (because during holiday everyone else is busy, so there are no interruptions! It’s amazing!).

Yes, Naomi has a family and hobbies and friends. And sure, she enjoys time with each…But she also enjoys getting work done. Like, a lot.

Now obviously, Amos and Naomi are at opposite ends of the work-life spectrum. Amos looks at Naomi and says, “Wow, you’re a workaholic. You need more balance in your life.” And Naomi looks at Amos and says, “Wow, you could get so much more done if you just put in more effort.”

The thing is: neither of them is right. And neither of them is wrong.

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There is a lot of talk these days on the harms of hustle culture and the increasing devaluation that companies have placed on their employees. I don’t disagree with that at all.

There’s also a lot of emphasis on self-care and prioritizing your mental health above your work. I also don’t disagree with that.

But what I think we forget in this conversation is that some of us are genuinely happiest when we are working. We are fulfilled by our work in a way that other things simply cannot and do not match.

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Confession: I don’t enjoy vacation.

I never have. Especially vacations on a beach or at a resort or with my family (sorry, fam). Not unless I have my work with me and I can get a lot done on said beach or at said resort or without said family bothering me.

In fact, the only way my husband has ever been able to get me to enjoy a vacation is if we go somewhere without a guidebook and just explore. Then, my brain is so occupied with basic survival (we are lost! we are hungry! how exactly do we use the metro here?), I don’t have time to get bored and wish that I was working.

The thing is: I’m not wanting to work because I feel pressured to do so by an outside force. I want to work because there is literally nothing more fulfilling to me.

I literally gain energy from working. I am literally happiest during and after work.³ Whereas sitting at a dinner table and eating fancy cheeses or lounging on a beach and drinking margaritas—that is so incredibly stressful and draining to me.

And I know I’m not the only person like this.

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So now let’s circle back to this fulfillment metric.

There are so many “shoulds” out there. We should have work-life balance, we should spend time with our families, we should enjoy the beach vacation, we should prioritize friends…

Or, on the flip side, we should work toward that promotion, we should put in overtime, we should care about getting more and more and more done…

Neither is right.

But also, neither is wrong.